A brief story about when I learned that my doodles were my artist expressions but also my soul’s way of providing my own therapy by the need to express my anxious energy, thoughts, and emotions from past traumas. 

I was in my mid-thirties, and I was in Philadelphia working on a project with Joe Frazier, the boxer, for a friend of mine with HBO. I was hired to follow Frazier around and take pictures of him doing life.

It was a very intense week, and I felt completely overwhelmed by the energy and by all the moving parts. At the same time, Frazier was such a fascinating person that I wanted to mentally capture the memories of this moment. One night at dinner with a fully seated crowd at the table, I sat next to Joe. My brain felt like it was breaking, and I needed a reprieve but didn’t feel like I could leave. So, I did what I always do in these situations. I took the napkins on the table, and I started to draw and close out the energies around me like a giant wall. Joe looked at my friend and asked, “Why is she doing that?” My friend said, “She does this whenever she gets overwhelmed, and she turns her pain and anxiety into art.” It was the first time I had heard that, and I needed to hear it. It stuck, and soon after, I shifted my perspective when I said out loud, “I’m an Artist!” I had reserved that title for other people who, I felt, had superior art, talent, or education. I would get anxious in the art store like a kid in the candy store. My mind would toggle between “Do you really belong here? You are just a doodler,” and affirming my stake in this world as a true artist. I was afraid at first of making a mess of the art paper until I told myself that it was okay to make a mess. It just means that I’m creating new standards for myself every day, and that is a good thing.

I now understand that this was my biological and spiritual will to survive and create a clear pathway for me to release trauma and anxiety. I am thankful that I listened, so I could express all that bottled-up emotions. I feel so connected to the world around me when I draw and am grateful to have images that represent many parts of me while bringing in others to gaze upon them.